Should a Five Year-Old See an Embalmed Body? And More...
OCTOBER 20, 2010 TAGS:
Dear Judy,
I am the third wife, so I suppose my opinion doesn’t count for much, at least not in my family.
My husband’s mother (a total bitch) just died, and my husband wants his daughter who is 5 years old to attend her funeral, which will take place in six days.
There will be an open casket, and Granny will be embalmed.
I think the little girl is much too young to see an ugly old corpse, and I’ve said as much. But nobody listens to me. Also the child lives mostly with her mother who refuses to speak to me, a long story.
How can I stop them from doing this to a little kid?
Alice
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Dear Alice,
Short answer: You can’t.
Slightly longer answer: Don’t describe the remains as “an ugly old corpse” to your husband. And try not to refer to the deceased, especially at the funeral, as “a total bitch.”
Even more comprehensive answer: For what it’s worth, I agree with you. A 5-year-old is perfectly capable of attending a funeral, but I’m not crazy about the idea of her gazing on a dead person pumped full of chemicals and coated with cosmetics.
However, as you’ve noticed, your opinion does not, in fact, count for much. This is because the little girl is not your child. And it’s not your call.
Thanks for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy.
My sister killed herself five years ago and I miss her so much! I am now pregnant, with a baby girl, and I was thinking about naming my baby after her.
But I just don’t know if that’s such a good idea. My sister was only 25 when she killed herself, and I worry about it. If I name my baby after her, will it be bad luck? Or am I crazy?
I just loved my sister so much, and I remember her for all the wonderful things she did (she protected me from our stepfather, for instance, but that’s another story I don’t want to go into). My sister was everything I wanted to be for so long. Kind, good, and smart.
On the other hand, I don’t want my baby to have that kind of affliction, to live under what could be a death sentence. And also, what do I tell my child if she asks about her name some day?
I need help to decide what to do.
Natalie
Dear Natalie,
You and I know in our hearts that naming a baby after a beloved sister is just a wonderful way of remembering her and keeping her close.
It won't have any effect on your baby; it will only keep the memory of your sister attached to someone you also love.
One day your child will of course ask about your sister -- she will even if she doesn't carry her name -- and you can tell her as much, or as little, as you want about her death, depending on how old your child is at the time of the questions. Obviously when she first asks about her name, you can simply tell her your wonderful sister who died shared that name. When your child is much, much older, you can give her a fuller account – she will likely find out the truth anyway one day. Be sure to stress, however, how much she meant to you.
Or, as an alternative, you can give your baby your sister's name as a middle name.
But I like your first choice the best. Name your baby after the sister you admired. It will have no effect on the baby. But it will keep your sister close to you.
Thanks for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
We just found out our mother’s oncologist is an atheist. She asked him about heaven, and he told her he doesn’t believe in that, or much of anything.
I am very concerned. Our mother is dying, frankly, and yet we don’t want any doctor pushing her out the door, if you get my meaning.
Wouldn’t a man who believes in nothing be more likely to give her medications that will end her life sooner than it was meant to end?
Should we tell our mother to switch doctors? She really likes him, despite his atheistic views, which amazes us. We don’t want her to go before her time.
Evan
Dear Evan,
As a matter of fact, according to a recent British study in the Journal of Medical Ethics of almost 3,733 medical practitioners, doctors who describe themselves as not religious were almost twice as likely as devout doctors to give deep sedation to their dying patients.
And they also were more likely to give drugs that could be expected to end life a bit early. These same doctors insisted they also discussed such options with their patients.
However,- just because British statistics indicate a certain trend among certain physicians, doesn’t mean your mother’s oncologist is part of that trend.
So where does that leave your mother?
Well, assuming she is, despite her illness, thinking clearly, then I’d say the decision of which doctor to go to is entirely up to her. It’s her life. And her illness. And frankly, it will be her death.
Thanks for writing,
Judy
I am the third wife, so I suppose my opinion doesn’t count for much, at least not in my family.
My husband’s mother (a total bitch) just died, and my husband wants his daughter who is 5 years old to attend her funeral, which will take place in six days.
There will be an open casket, and Granny will be embalmed.
I think the little girl is much too young to see an ugly old corpse, and I’ve said as much. But nobody listens to me. Also the child lives mostly with her mother who refuses to speak to me, a long story.
How can I stop them from doing this to a little kid?
Alice
Dear Alice,Short answer: You can’t.
Slightly longer answer: Don’t describe the remains as “an ugly old corpse” to your husband. And try not to refer to the deceased, especially at the funeral, as “a total bitch.”
Even more comprehensive answer: For what it’s worth, I agree with you. A 5-year-old is perfectly capable of attending a funeral, but I’m not crazy about the idea of her gazing on a dead person pumped full of chemicals and coated with cosmetics.
However, as you’ve noticed, your opinion does not, in fact, count for much. This is because the little girl is not your child. And it’s not your call.
Thanks for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy.
My sister killed herself five years ago and I miss her so much! I am now pregnant, with a baby girl, and I was thinking about naming my baby after her.
But I just don’t know if that’s such a good idea. My sister was only 25 when she killed herself, and I worry about it. If I name my baby after her, will it be bad luck? Or am I crazy?
I just loved my sister so much, and I remember her for all the wonderful things she did (she protected me from our stepfather, for instance, but that’s another story I don’t want to go into). My sister was everything I wanted to be for so long. Kind, good, and smart.
On the other hand, I don’t want my baby to have that kind of affliction, to live under what could be a death sentence. And also, what do I tell my child if she asks about her name some day?
I need help to decide what to do.
Natalie
Dear Natalie,
You and I know in our hearts that naming a baby after a beloved sister is just a wonderful way of remembering her and keeping her close.
It won't have any effect on your baby; it will only keep the memory of your sister attached to someone you also love.
One day your child will of course ask about your sister -- she will even if she doesn't carry her name -- and you can tell her as much, or as little, as you want about her death, depending on how old your child is at the time of the questions. Obviously when she first asks about her name, you can simply tell her your wonderful sister who died shared that name. When your child is much, much older, you can give her a fuller account – she will likely find out the truth anyway one day. Be sure to stress, however, how much she meant to you.
Or, as an alternative, you can give your baby your sister's name as a middle name.
But I like your first choice the best. Name your baby after the sister you admired. It will have no effect on the baby. But it will keep your sister close to you.
Thanks for writing,
Judy
--
Dear Judy,
We just found out our mother’s oncologist is an atheist. She asked him about heaven, and he told her he doesn’t believe in that, or much of anything.
I am very concerned. Our mother is dying, frankly, and yet we don’t want any doctor pushing her out the door, if you get my meaning.
Wouldn’t a man who believes in nothing be more likely to give her medications that will end her life sooner than it was meant to end?
Should we tell our mother to switch doctors? She really likes him, despite his atheistic views, which amazes us. We don’t want her to go before her time.
Evan
Dear Evan,
As a matter of fact, according to a recent British study in the Journal of Medical Ethics of almost 3,733 medical practitioners, doctors who describe themselves as not religious were almost twice as likely as devout doctors to give deep sedation to their dying patients.
And they also were more likely to give drugs that could be expected to end life a bit early. These same doctors insisted they also discussed such options with their patients.
However,- just because British statistics indicate a certain trend among certain physicians, doesn’t mean your mother’s oncologist is part of that trend.
So where does that leave your mother?
Well, assuming she is, despite her illness, thinking clearly, then I’d say the decision of which doctor to go to is entirely up to her. It’s her life. And her illness. And frankly, it will be her death.
Thanks for writing,
Judy
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A STEPFATHER'S NEGLECT, A CHRISTIAN BURIAL AND A DYING TWIN
A DISTANT BOYFRIEND, PRE-NEED QUESTIONS AND HUSBAND IN A COMA
A MISTRESS CALLS, A FRIEND'S MOTHER AND BEING THERE
THE LIMITS OF CARE, SUMMER CHOICES AND CHURCH GIVING
WHEN TO STAY AT HOME, WHEN TO VISIT
AN OLDER FIANCE, TO SUE OR NOT TO SUE AND DISAPPEARING MALICE
MYTHIC PLANS, OFFICE COLLECTIONS AND BEING POLITE
CHILDHOOD GRIEF, A TWIN'S DEATH AND A STEP-DAUGHTER GRIPES
CELEBRATING LIFE AND NEARING THE END
AN OLD SCHOOL MAMA, A CHEATING HUSBAND AND A MOUTHY NEIGHBOR
SOCIAL REJECTION, A CHATTY DOORMAN AND POLITICAL DISPUTES
FINDING SUPPORT, A JEALOUS WIFE AND A BORING WAKE
AN AILING MOTHER OVERSEAS AND A SCHEMING BROTHER
AN ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE, A NEW WIFE AND THE LONG HAUL
A BIOLOGICAL FATHER, HEAVEN, HELL AND UNSOCIABLE STEPMOTHER
POWER OF ATTORNEY, A LIVING WILL AND A BAD-MOUTHING MOTHER
EXTREME DRIVING, TALKING TO A DEAD HUSBAND AND FEARING A SON
A LOYAL/MALICIOUS AUNT, VISITING A VICIOUS SISTER AND A LOVER'S FUNERAL
A FATHER IN JAIL, A CLASSMATE'S FUNERAL AND A PASTOR'S LAMENT
HIDDEN RAGE, A DISAPPEARING HUSBAND AND A CONDO IN PHOENIX
THE MISDIAGNOSIS, QUITTING SMOKING AND SMOKING AT THE END
MY DAD'S LAST NAME, A RUSSIAN LAST NAME AND A ROTTEN FRIEND
A WEEPY CLASSMATE, FROM BEDSIDE TO HONG KONG AND A VICIOUS MOTHER
HOW DO I TELL MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER THAT HER FATHER IS DYING OF CANCER?
A SMOKER, A PAIR OF EARRINGS AND THE AFTERLIFE
WHAT DOES DEATH LOOK LIKE, A SURVIVOR'S BOASTS AND VISITING A DYING BROTHER
HEAVY GYM TALK, DRUGS THAT HASTEN DEATH AND A MISTRESS REVEALED
A DEAD PRINCIPAL, A HOSPICE NURSE AT BOOK CLUB AND A GOOD FRIEND
A DISRESPECTED ONCOLOGIST, A GRIEVING HOUSEKEEPER AND IMPROPER CONDOLENCES
AN ESTRANGED UNCLE, A SCHIZOPHRENIC MOM AND PROBLEMS WITH A JUG
THE HALO EFFECT AND FORGETTING A DEATH
A DRESS TO DIE FOR, A BRAGGART GRIEVES AND AN ANNIVERSARY PARTY
NO THANK YOU NOTE, HIRING PEOPLE WITH CANCER AND HONORING A STEPFATHER
A FIRST CLASS BODY, THE DEATH RATTLE AND HELPING A FAMILY FRIEND
A NEEDY SISTER, FURIOUS STEP-CHILDREN AND WHY WE TALK ABOUT DEATH
A STEPMOTHER'S ODD REQUESTS, PAYING BACK A LOAN AND HALLUCINATIONS AT THE END
PRETENDING HIS WIFE IS DEAD, A LAST WILL AND WHAT TO SAY
DYING IN THE SADDLE, CREMATION PROBLEMS AND A MOTHER'S MENTAL ILLNESS
MY LATE BOYFRIEND'S PARENTS, PROBLEMS WITH A WILL AND HOW TO LISTEN
THOUSANDS OF MILES FROM A LOVED ONE, AN ABSENT COUSIN AND MAKING PLANS
REFUSING TO MAKE END-OF-LIFE-DECISIONS AND PLANNING A SENSIBLE FUNERAL
GRIEVING FOR A POODLE, SHOPPING FOR HOSPICE AND HAVING TROUBLE WITH A SPIRITUAL COUNSELOR
A CHILD MOLESTER, A DYING FRIEND AND MISSTEPS IN FRONT OF A WIDOW
A POLITICIAN'S DEMISE, A WIDOW'S FINANCES AND ADVICE FOR A SIMPLE FUNERAL
THE METAPHYSICS OF ASH SCATTERING, A LIVING WILL AND A SILENT FRIEND
A DEADBEAT BROTHER, SPURNED IN-LAWS, AND THE ANNOYANCE OF CONSTANT COMPANY
A TYRANNICAL WIDOWER, EMAIL DEATH NOTIFICATION AND AN ILLEGITIMATE CHILD RETURNS
DO I HAVE TO PAY FOR MY PARENTS' FUNERALS?
OFFICE GIFT GIVING GOES AWRY, OVERSEAS EXPENSES AND A CAR CRASH
TOO MANY VISITORS, ADVICE FOR A HOSPICE WORKER AND A CHILD'S ROOM
A HAPPY WIDOW, QUICK DEATHS AND A LINGERING VOICEMAIL MESSAGE
A SON'S PARTNER IN THE FAMILY VAULT, REPRESSED MEMORIES OF ABUSE AND HELL
THE PLEASURES OF CHEESECAKE, A VACATION FROM DEATH AND DYING AT HOME
A NANNY'S LAMENT, A PEDESTRIAN'S DEATH AND A MOTORCYCLE
GIVING UP, THE NEEDY WIDOW AND A FORGOTTEN LEGACY
THE MAN WHO BROKE MY HEART, A CHURCH SCANDAL AND A CALLOUS COUSIN
MY CRAZY SISTER, A WHACKO CHARITY AND WHETHER TO BRING A CHILD TO A FUNERAL
A MURDERED MOM, QUICK WILLS AND RECOVERING FROM HOSPICE
A FRIEND SUFFERS ALONE, CREMATION AND JUDAISM, AND A LONELY CARETAKER
JUDGING LUNG CANCER, GLOATING AT A FUNERAL AND BUYING AN URN
A SECOND OPINION, THE OVERSHARING WIDOWER AND A GUILTY MOTHER
DEBUNKING FUNERAL MYTHS, FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR EX, AND A BOOZER FIANCE
ENDING YOUR LIFE, LATE CONDOLENCES, AND CALLOUS CO-WORKERS
A FATHER'S NEW GIRLFRIEND, A DEMANDING WIFE AND REFUSING CANCER TREATMENT
LIVING WILL TROUBLE, A HUSBAND DIES IN JAIL AND A NEW WAY TO BEQUEATH
IN LOVE WITH A WIDOWER, TERMINAL DEPRESSION AND BUCKING DEPENDENCY
GUILT FOR PAST DEEDS, A SICK TEACHER AND RECOVERING A PAIR OF EARRINGS
DEALING WITH DENIAL, A MOTHER'S MALICE AND A WAYWARD WIDOWER
HIDING THE D-WORD, WHEN TO TELL THE KIDS AND HOW TO AVOID SPEAKING AT A FUNERAL
FORMER LOVERS, PRAYERS LEFT UNSAID AND MOVING TO NEW HOUSE
AT A LOSS FOR WORDS, SIBLING DISCORD AND HAVING A BABY
A MANGY DOG, THE DEATH OF A LITTLE SISTER AND DONATING A MOTHER'S STUFF
A PUSHY PRIEST, SUSPICIOUS DENTAL WORK AND GETTING A FRIEND'S GROOVE BACK
AN ENEMY AT WORK FALLS ILL, THE BIG NOTHING AND DENYING THE INEVITABLE
A MISTRESS'S GRIEF, DEMENTIA'S TOLL AND GOSSIP AT THE DEATHBED
DIFFERING VALUES, PRIVATE GOODBYES AND RECURRENT MEMORIES OF 9/11
TROUBLE WITH AN OUT-OF-TOWN RELATIVE, INVASIVE QUESTIONS AND EXPENSIVE SUPPORT
STEP-FATHERS, ABUSIVE EX'S AND DO NOT RESUSCITATE ORDERS
MOTHERS-IN-LAW, UNEXPECTED CHANGES AND HEALTH ANXIETY
DESERVED AFFECTION, THE FAMILY ACCOUNTANT AND ICE CREAM
OUT-OF-TOWN BURIAL, CONDOLENCE NOTES AND EARLY ONSET ALZHEIMER'S
HOW LONG TO STAY, A USED CAR AND A DYING EX-HUSBAND
PAYING THE MORTGAGE AND GRAND THEFT JEWELRY
SYMPATHY CARDS, ASSISTING SUICIDE AND INAPPROPRIATE FUNERAL WEAR
ENERGY, GRIEVING AND MEMORY, JUDY'S THIRD COLUMN
EATING, ANGER AND ATHEISTS, ASK JUDY'S SECOND COLUMN
BIRTHDAYS, GUILT AND SUICIDE, ASK JUDY'S FIRST COLUMN
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