STUPID DEATH TRICKS
by Kevin Nance
JUNE 22, 2009 TAGS:
One of the truest clichés is that everyone makes mistakes. Big mistakes, too, the potentially fatal kind. We human beings screw up so consistently, in fact, and in such a rich and bewildering variety of ways all but designed to bring about our own extinction, that any discussion of self-assisted fatality (other than intentional suicide) must be prefaced with a giant caveat. We’ve all done incredibly risky things — smoking in bed, say, or drinking too much, or jaywalking in heavy traffic — that could have gotten us killed. The fact that we’re still kicking is plain dumb luck.
Just as there are degrees of luck, however, there are degrees of stupidity. Some acts are more moronic than others. And people who are both excessively clueless and excessively unlucky tend to come to a bad end. This is not to say, of course, that they deserve their untimely and often spectacular demises. But it’s fair to marvel — if only in a humble, there-but-for-the-grace-of-God sort of way — at the mortal messes people get themselves into.
Here, then, is Obit’s Top 10 List of Stupid Death Tricks, in chronological order. It highlights the exotic fates of people who Shoulda Known Better and, with a little help from Murphy’s Law, paid the ultimate price. If there’s a through-line on the list, it’s one of unlikely enthusiasms, the desire to prove outlandish theories and, in a few cases, a certain hubris that comes from beating the odds. If they cheated death once, these folks reasoned, why couldn’t they do it again? Note to the reader: If you lapse into fits of smug, ghoulish snickering while perusing this list, shame on you. Then again, who’ll ever know?
1: If the Elizabethan era had had refrigerators, this may never have happened.
In 1626, Francis Bacon — the otherwise brilliant English philosopher, scientist and writer believed by some to have written the plays attributed to William Shakespeare — was traveling by coach in a snowstorm when he was seized by the desire to test the idea that snow, like salt, could be used to preserve meat. Stuffing snow into a chicken, according John Aubrey’s Brief Lives, Bacon contracted a case of pneumonia that proved to be fatal.
2: Combining the professions of “tailor” and “inventor” is like mixing “heavy smoker” and “gunpowder factory security guard.”
In 1912, an Austrian tailor named Franz Reichelt came to believe that he had successfully fashioned a coat that functioned like a parachute, allowing the wearer to float safely to the ground from on high. Instead of testing it by, say, jumping from the roof of a barn onto a haystack, he traveled to Paris and leapt off the Eiffel Tower, falling 197 feet to his death.
3: A prop can still be a deadly weapon.
Actors on Hollywood sets are routinely warned to be careful with guns used as props, but in 1984, Jon-Erik Hexum, a star of the CBS action series Cover-Up, pretended to play Russian roulette by putting a blank-loaded .44 Magnum to his temple. “Let’s see if this will do it,” he reportedly said, and pulled the trigger. The burst of hot gas fired at close range penetrated his skull.
4: Pride goeth before Niagara Falls -- or, in this case, after.
Also in 1984, a stuntman named Karel Soucek became the first Canadian to survive plunging over Niagara Falls inside a custom-made steel and plastic barrel. The following year, in a reenactment from a platform at the Houston Astrodome, Soucek’s barrel hit the edge of the water tank and he died on impact.
5: Death finds its window of opportunity.
In 1993, Garry Hoy, a popular attorney with the once-powerful, now-defunct Toronto law firm of Holden Day Wilson, seems to have developed a surprising confidence in the strength of the glass in the windows of the Toronto-Dominion Bank Tower. To demonstrate this “unbreakable” glass to dozens of lawyers at an office party, he flung himself at the 24th-floor window, which held. Having proved his point, he did it again — and sailed through the window, which popped out of its frame.
6: The mummy returns?
In 1998, Adam Gotz, a German student of Egyptology and self-proclaimed “spiritual psychiatrist,” jumped 613 feet from Egypt’s Cairo Tower to demonstrate his belief that the nearby pyramids at Giza generated a mystic power enabling believers to transcend human limitations. Just before he jumped, according to some reports, he told a friend that he expected to be resurrected.
7: When dancing with orcas, no need to dress up.
In 1999, Daniel P. Dukes, a 27-year-old drifter, was found dead in his underwear and draped across the back of Tilikum, an 11,000-pound, 20-foot-long killer whale at Sea World in Orlando. Detectives surmised that Dukes had hid until the park closed, then somehow found his way into the whale’s tank. The orca did bite Dukes — in the groin, perhaps to rip off his green shorts, by which he may have been fascinated — but this was found to have occurred postmortem. The county medical examiner ruled that the man had drowned.
8: Doctors don’t recommend the metal diet.
In 2001, Charles Williams of Liverpool, England, was found dead in his bedroom wearing a large dog chain and collar. He was later found to have swallowed 31 coins, 14 safety pins and 200 air rifle pellets. An inquest determined the cause of death to be peritonitis due to perforation of the stomach.
9: The title of Jackass should have been a tip-off.
In 2003, an Austrian named Gerhard Renzl took up the challenge of winning a free drink by running as hard as he could into a wall at a bar near Salzburg. The stunt was inspired by Jackass, the American TV and movie series, which always warns viewers not to try these things at home. Renzl did wear a crash helmet, but unwisely decided to lengthen his run-up from the usual 6-9 feet to 32 feet. The impact crushed his spine, leading to paralysis, and he died three weeks later. The following year, the British-born waitress who allegedly encouraged him to perform the stunt was acquitted of manslaughter.
10: God, if He exists, doesn’t like to repeat Himself.
In 2006, Ohtaj Humbat Ohli Makhmudov of Azerbaijan attempted to prove the existence of God by climbing into a lion’s den at the Kyiv Zoo in Ukraine. “Because God loves me,” Makhmudov yelled to the horrified onlookers, “the lions will not harm me!” But Makhmudov proved to be no modern-day Daniel. Veronica, one of the zoo’s trio of lionesses, pounced on him, leaving 10 puncture wounds in his neck. He died instantly.
Just as there are degrees of luck, however, there are degrees of stupidity. Some acts are more moronic than others. And people who are both excessively clueless and excessively unlucky tend to come to a bad end. This is not to say, of course, that they deserve their untimely and often spectacular demises. But it’s fair to marvel — if only in a humble, there-but-for-the-grace-of-God sort of way — at the mortal messes people get themselves into. Here, then, is Obit’s Top 10 List of Stupid Death Tricks, in chronological order. It highlights the exotic fates of people who Shoulda Known Better and, with a little help from Murphy’s Law, paid the ultimate price. If there’s a through-line on the list, it’s one of unlikely enthusiasms, the desire to prove outlandish theories and, in a few cases, a certain hubris that comes from beating the odds. If they cheated death once, these folks reasoned, why couldn’t they do it again? Note to the reader: If you lapse into fits of smug, ghoulish snickering while perusing this list, shame on you. Then again, who’ll ever know?
1: If the Elizabethan era had had refrigerators, this may never have happened.
In 1626, Francis Bacon — the otherwise brilliant English philosopher, scientist and writer believed by some to have written the plays attributed to William Shakespeare — was traveling by coach in a snowstorm when he was seized by the desire to test the idea that snow, like salt, could be used to preserve meat. Stuffing snow into a chicken, according John Aubrey’s Brief Lives, Bacon contracted a case of pneumonia that proved to be fatal.
2: Combining the professions of “tailor” and “inventor” is like mixing “heavy smoker” and “gunpowder factory security guard.”
In 1912, an Austrian tailor named Franz Reichelt came to believe that he had successfully fashioned a coat that functioned like a parachute, allowing the wearer to float safely to the ground from on high. Instead of testing it by, say, jumping from the roof of a barn onto a haystack, he traveled to Paris and leapt off the Eiffel Tower, falling 197 feet to his death.
3: A prop can still be a deadly weapon.
Actors on Hollywood sets are routinely warned to be careful with guns used as props, but in 1984, Jon-Erik Hexum, a star of the CBS action series Cover-Up, pretended to play Russian roulette by putting a blank-loaded .44 Magnum to his temple. “Let’s see if this will do it,” he reportedly said, and pulled the trigger. The burst of hot gas fired at close range penetrated his skull.
4: Pride goeth before Niagara Falls -- or, in this case, after.Also in 1984, a stuntman named Karel Soucek became the first Canadian to survive plunging over Niagara Falls inside a custom-made steel and plastic barrel. The following year, in a reenactment from a platform at the Houston Astrodome, Soucek’s barrel hit the edge of the water tank and he died on impact.
5: Death finds its window of opportunity.
In 1993, Garry Hoy, a popular attorney with the once-powerful, now-defunct Toronto law firm of Holden Day Wilson, seems to have developed a surprising confidence in the strength of the glass in the windows of the Toronto-Dominion Bank Tower. To demonstrate this “unbreakable” glass to dozens of lawyers at an office party, he flung himself at the 24th-floor window, which held. Having proved his point, he did it again — and sailed through the window, which popped out of its frame.
6: The mummy returns?
In 1998, Adam Gotz, a German student of Egyptology and self-proclaimed “spiritual psychiatrist,” jumped 613 feet from Egypt’s Cairo Tower to demonstrate his belief that the nearby pyramids at Giza generated a mystic power enabling believers to transcend human limitations. Just before he jumped, according to some reports, he told a friend that he expected to be resurrected.
7: When dancing with orcas, no need to dress up.
In 1999, Daniel P. Dukes, a 27-year-old drifter, was found dead in his underwear and draped across the back of Tilikum, an 11,000-pound, 20-foot-long killer whale at Sea World in Orlando. Detectives surmised that Dukes had hid until the park closed, then somehow found his way into the whale’s tank. The orca did bite Dukes — in the groin, perhaps to rip off his green shorts, by which he may have been fascinated — but this was found to have occurred postmortem. The county medical examiner ruled that the man had drowned.
8: Doctors don’t recommend the metal diet.
In 2001, Charles Williams of Liverpool, England, was found dead in his bedroom wearing a large dog chain and collar. He was later found to have swallowed 31 coins, 14 safety pins and 200 air rifle pellets. An inquest determined the cause of death to be peritonitis due to perforation of the stomach.
9: The title of Jackass should have been a tip-off. In 2003, an Austrian named Gerhard Renzl took up the challenge of winning a free drink by running as hard as he could into a wall at a bar near Salzburg. The stunt was inspired by Jackass, the American TV and movie series, which always warns viewers not to try these things at home. Renzl did wear a crash helmet, but unwisely decided to lengthen his run-up from the usual 6-9 feet to 32 feet. The impact crushed his spine, leading to paralysis, and he died three weeks later. The following year, the British-born waitress who allegedly encouraged him to perform the stunt was acquitted of manslaughter.
10: God, if He exists, doesn’t like to repeat Himself.
In 2006, Ohtaj Humbat Ohli Makhmudov of Azerbaijan attempted to prove the existence of God by climbing into a lion’s den at the Kyiv Zoo in Ukraine. “Because God loves me,” Makhmudov yelled to the horrified onlookers, “the lions will not harm me!” But Makhmudov proved to be no modern-day Daniel. Veronica, one of the zoo’s trio of lionesses, pounced on him, leaving 10 puncture wounds in his neck. He died instantly.
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COMMENTS (2) TO ADD A COMMENT, PLEASE FIRST SIGN IN OR REGISTER.
Kevin Nance wrote on June 23, 2009 9:47am
The Darwin Awards are cool--they've been pursuing this idea of "weird deaths" for several years--although as they admit, they've mistakenly posted some cases that turned out not to be true. Still, it's a fun site. [Report Comment]
Anonymous wrote on June 23, 2009 4:05am
Darwin Awards? Is attribution required here? [Report Comment]
